“L” is for Loss: Lung Cancer After Treatment || Sept 16 2022

Friday, September 16, 2022

Loss: Cancer’s Ongoing Gift

I’ve been trying to stare down this keyboard all afternoon. So far, it’s still here, the page is still blank, and so is my brain. It’s safe to say, I’m losing this battle.

But that’s not the kind of loss I want to write about.

In the 584 days– give or take– that I’ve spent in CancerLand, a few things have surprised me. One, I lost no hair. Two, I lost no weight– in fact, I gained (how unfair is that?!). Three, the farther I get from active treatment, the more aware I become of how grief dogs my steps, howling out of its dark hole when I least expect it.

Apparently, stress, often a sense of loss, is common in cancer survivors. PTSD, depression— these are other goodies that cancer folks can experience, especially lung cancer people, we lucky devils. In my hunt to learn more about the mystery known as “survivorship,” I stumbled across videos from Stupid Cancer— “We make adolescent and young adult cancer suck less”– and their 2021 digital conference. “Where Did Normal Go? Grieving the Loss of Your Pre-Cancer Self” by cancer survivor and social worker, Ashley Williams, LCSW, was exactly the video I needed.

Of course, I didn’t know that. I knew only that a couple of minor things had sent me into a tailspin, and that grief and I were trying to (metaphorically) out-howl each other when nobody was looking. The problem was, when they were looking, I was sniping, snappy, very angry, extremely angry, or passive-aggressively silent. They being my dearest husband, natch.

(I had a similar foray into anger when I read about the ravages of a friend’s cancer several weeks ago. It caught me off guard, tipped my world on its side and sucked the air out of it, and generally made me a really pissy person to be around. I could not understand why I was so angry. Days into a lot of meanness toward him, DH said, “Is it about cancer?” The proverbial lightbulb flashed; instantly, my world righted itself.   I believe this is what’s known as a pattern. It also might be known as post-traumatic stress, the runt cousin of PTSD, or further down the family tree, psychological distress. No matter what you call it, Cancershrink and me got some work to do.) 

Highlights of the Video

• Cancer survivors can experience dozens of kinds of loss.
• Loss accompanies the changes in the way we live.
• Loss has physiological effects, which are stressors to the system.
• Loss alters our self-narrative.
• Loss is not linear, it’s very messy and confusing.

Bottom Lines for Survivors:

• We need be aware of ourselves, our surroundings, and our triggers.
• In times of loss or other stress, we need to calm the physiological responses.
• We can re-author ourselves.

Triggers

This bout of loss had some distinct triggers, most related to Covid. On the Official Scale of Distress, these could have you scratching your head– they’re teeny. Go figure. (Hey, I always said I was the sensitive type.)

1. A renewal notice from one of my professional teaching organizations. (Urg, should I even plan to go back into Covid-laden schools? If I don’t, am I an educator any more?)
2. A Medicare question I’ve struggled with: Are you retired? (See #1, above.) Scans next week with doctor visits make the question likely. (They’re required to ask….)
3. One of my Dear Ones, telling me they would begin to dine inside once winter comes.
4. Another of my Dear Ones, asking simply if I would like a subscription to an orchestra series we have always loved.

My decisions:

1. No renewal. No work in schools. (That sound you hear? It’s just who I’ve been for decades, drying up and blowing away.)
2. Yes, I am. (Just stick a knife in my heart.)
3. Oh. OK. (And they should.) 
4. No. (Subscription for one: purchased. As it should be.)

Still, I was overcome with grief: I am being left behind. 

So, like my lung cancer colleagues– and anyone dealing with other profoundly stress-inducing, life-changing circumstances–  I will grieve.

And I’ll grow into a larger perspective: I am not being left, I’m simply embarking on something new, in a different direction than ever before.

Thanks for reading. Here’s hoping you’re on a path that feels right.

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Covid Information that Influenced my Decisions

• Covid-19 and Lung Cancer: What We Know and Don’t Know
• Covid-19 and Cancer: Otis Brawley, MD, On the Current State of the Pandemic What do survivors need to know going forward? 
• Due to other medications I am taking, Paxlovid is not an option for me, but if you get Covid, you should immediately call your doc and get some. (Mulnupiravir may be an option for me, but as my pulmonologist said, “We don’t really know how/if it works, but you should get it because it could keep you out of the hospital.”)

• Girl by S. Hermann & F. Richter
• Flower by Bruno /Germany
• Cave by by Lorraine Cormier
• Triggers by Davie Bicker