December 26, 2021
It’s not officially Christmas any more, but the season’s hectic pace has kept me from some of the cancer-thinking I do when I’m writing. And feeling. It turns out there are a lot of feelings. I’ll start with that, then get to the best present.
Here’s what’s gone through my mind lately, and my responses:
I have cancer. <Laughter– it’s so absurd. I never smoked, I’m in good physical condition. (Or, I used to be, pre-prednisone.)>
I have cancer. <Tears that well up from depths I never knew existed.> This has been true for a while now; I can cry at the drop of a hat. So embarrassing.
I have cancer. <I know I need to sit with this reality, but I have to get back to you– I’m busy right now.>
Eleven months into this cancer nonsense and I still can’t get over the fact that I have lung cancer. Except there are very physical realities. My right lung doesn’t expand the way it used to. It’s stiff when I try to take a deep breath. That’s a bummer when I’m breathing hard– on the stationary bike, of course. I think this is part of the “messiness” of the lung that Dr. Radiology described. That’s not likely to go away, so I am trying to learn to breathe around it. The irony is that my pulse ox (level of oxygen in my blood) is higher after I’ve exercised! So, good.
I’m just not settled into this new and ever changing set of circumstances. It’s not like everyone isn’t going to deal with this as they age, I just get to do it early. Humph, always the overachiever.
That relates to my gift. We had the joy of adopting a needy family for Christmas. The families are nominated by a social services agency working with the family, then an “adopting angel” takes a family’s list and fulfills as much of it as they’d like. Five of us worked on one family’s list, which included things like paper towels, household cleaning supplies, gift certificates for food, gas, winter coats– for parents and child– and much more. My daughter and I loaded the car the week before Christmas and met the caseworker at the family’s house, where we unloaded all the gifts. (It could only be the two of us because the rest of the car was taken up by gifts.) The ride out and back gave us a chance to talk.
I love her perspectives. As a survivor of lymphoma in her early 20s, she went thought a ghastly time of treatments, spending much of four months in the hospital. She has a wealth of experience she shares generously. One of the things I’ve been struggling with is, what comes next? Once Covid has settled down, could I commit to working or even volunteering regularly? What if the cancer progressed enough that I needed more treatment? As well meaning as friends and family are, there is something about hearing from another cancer survivor. Basically, my daughter told me you go from scan to scan for quite a while. You never feel sure of your remission. In fact, she told me about a cancer support group friend who didn’t make contributions to her 401K at work for almost three years because she wasn’t sure…well, you know.
You go from scan to scan. Six words that freed me from not knowing how to manage the future, be it near or far. I can do that. I don’t have to make decisions now for next year. I have big scans in January and I will go from there. Those words lifted a pressure I didn’t know I was feeling. What a gift! Thanks, my lovely girl!
One thing I do know is that I will be at Frosting School (cake decorating classes) starting at the end of January, come hell or high water. Because I want to help needy kiddos celebrate birthdays or graduations, kiddos who otherwise would not have a cake. I’m doing that through an organization called For Goodness Cakes, which has chapters in cities nationwide.
I’m also planning to start training for a challenge through a Peloton group I’ve joined, which is a series of rides that is the equivalent of the five-hour climb up Mt. Haleakala in Maui. One of the Peloton instructors did that ride, then converted it into five one-hour classes. The group I’ve joined trains to put all these classes together in one effort and then do the ride at the same time, cheering each other on. The end of March is the next scheduled ride; the training program, developed by an experienced distance cyclist, starts soon!
Thanks for reading. I hope any challenges you face at least come with a little cake.
Words + heart image by congerdesign from Pixabay
Hectic crowd image by Brian Merrill from Pixabay