October 19, 2021
In August of 2021, I read one of the best articles about cancer I’ve read so far. Writing in The Atlantic, Caitlin Flanagan’s I’ll Tell You the Secret of Cancer made me laugh out loud. Here’s how it starts:
Are you someone who enjoys the unsolicited opinions of strangers and acquaintances? If so, I can’t recommend cancer highly enough. You won’t even have the first pathology report in your hands before the advice comes pouring in. Laugh and the world laughs with you; get cancer and the world can’t shut its trap.
Stop eating sugar; keep up your weight with milkshakes. Listen to a recent story on NPR; do not read a recent story in Time magazine. Exercise—but not too vigorously; exercise—hard, like Lance Armstrong. Join a support group, make a collage, make a collage in a support group, collage the shit out of your cancer. Do you live near a freeway or drink tap water or eat food microwaved on plastic plates? That’s what caused it. Do you ever think about suing? Do you ever wonder whether, if you’d just let some time pass, the cancer would have gone away on its own?
…there was one warning I heard from a huge number of people, almost every day, and sometimes two or three times a day: I had to stay positive. People who beat cancer have a great positive attitude. It’s what distinguishes the survivors from the dead.
I have had only one interaction with someone about keeping a positive attitude and I shut that down fast. I think I said something like, “Do not EVER assume that I have decided to roll over and let cancer gobble me up. Do not ever assume that any sign of negativity is a signal that I have given up hope. Enough. Never mention this again.” I was white hot with anger. And, wisely, that person has never said anything again.
But plenty of people feel comfortable commenting on my positive attitude. The belief that a positive attitude can cure cancer came into the public realm in the 1990s and continues today. In 2004, 2007, and beyond, studies have continued to show “there is no scientific evidence supporting the popular myth that positive thinking or a “positive attitude” cures, slows the progression of, or extends the life of people diagnosed with cancer.” Can a positive attitude help cope with cancer? Can it help find pockets of joy or satisfaction or meaning in daily life? Sure. It’s also true that positivity can be toxic, a burden when you are faced with a diagnosis, treatment, and a large helping of the unknown. I can even use against myself.
Recently, I wrote in my journal:
I am so fatigued I don’t think gratitude is something I can muster. I know tons of things I am grateful for. But naming them is not the same as feeling them, not the same as experiencing the sense of deep awe at the large and small surprises that appear unexpectedly in my life. Awe at luck or good fortune. A sense of thankfulness, not just blindly, but to something. Some may call this God, the Universe, a Higher Power. On an ego-heavy day, it can seem as though this force specially selected me to receive these gifts because I am so special. But I know that when I feel grateful authentically, I feel humbled; the thankfulness to something is critically important to me. The process of growing smaller in the face of an awareness of larger forces relieves me (and my ego) of a false sense of power, which, truth be told, can be exhausting.
It goes without saying that this lack of gratitude speaks to my lack of connection with any of those larger forces I mention above.
I’m not feeling grateful today. I’m feeling tired. So tired. I’ve been on high doses of steroids since July and I’m done thinking about medicine and moon face and weight gain and thrush.
A long time ago, I saw a book titled something like Cancer Is a Gift and I wanted to tear it to shreds. I’m no PollyAnna; cancer is no gift. I liked– mostly– who I was and the life I had BC. And now that’s different. I don’t know what’s coming. Something is, and, mostly, I will meet it head on, mold it, and embrace it. And although some might argue, neither gratitude nor a positive attitude is going to make this easy. More important, neither gratitude nor a positive attitude will make this cancer go away.
Flanagan writes about an oncology psychologist, Anne Coscarelli, who changed her life.
Flanagan says,
I didn’t cause my cancer by having a bad attitude, and I wasn’t going to cure it by having a good one.
And then Coscarelli told me the whole truth about cancer. If you’re ready, I will tell it to you.
Cancer occurs when a group of cells divide in rapid and abnormal ways. Treatments are successful if they interfere with that process.
That’s it, that’s the whole equation.
So it’s OK if I don’t feel grateful today. I don’t have to grit my teeth and pretend. What matters is that I’m figuring stuff out.
And I believe that I will.
_____
Images
Defense Image by Bruno /Germany from Pixabay
Cudgel: Metropolitan Museum of Art, CCO, via Wikimedia Commons
The Gift of Cancer Copyrighted image
I read that article (I love The Atlantic!) and I loved “the whole truth about cancer.”
We humans want so much to be in control. We want a positive attitude to cure cancer, or at the very least prevent it. We want to know what *we* can do and we don’t want to hear that we can’t do anything.
A woman named Nancy Stordahl has written a book about getting breast cancer https://nancyspoint.com/ebooks/ Cancer Was Not A Gift & It Didn’t Make Me a Better Person.
I am right there with you. When I was first dealing with DCIS (ductal cancer in situ, some call it stage 0) twenty-four years ago, one of my favorite comments was “but you’re a vegetarian!” as if vegetarians don’t get cancer. Really?
When I was diagnosed four years ago (wow! it’s been four years!) I was lucky enough to be spared all of the “positive attitude” BS. Either that or I just didn’t listen and don’t remember. I *do* remember being tired. I *do* remember a trip to Kripalu shortly after I finished 33 radiation treatments–I remember sleeping for nearly all four days. Every time Anne turned around to talk to me I had nodded off.
I’m grateful that you are sharing this journey with us. And I know that you will figure it out!
Peace to you my friend.