Remember the good ole’ days of vinyl records? How you could moon about as you played the same track over and over? How about when the record might get a scratch, or be worn down enough that the needle would skip? You could be mooning around across the room and the damned phrase or notes would repeat endlessly. You’d have to get up, nudge the player arm a bit to move the needle out of the groove.
We say that someone who repeats the same argument over and over is a broken record. But we don’t really mean broken in the sense of a record being cracked across someone’s knee into jagged-edge pieces. We just mean the same ideas or phrases are on repeat. In my case, the urgency to dive full-force into all things I want to do.
So there I was yesterday, in Dr. Oncology’s office, trying to put into words some vague physical feelings that worried me a little. The cough, the feeing of coming down with something. The never-ending tiredness (and naps at 4pm.) The struggle with a measly 8 miles. Could they indicate the start of a side effect from the immunologic agent? The question remained unspoken; the complaints hovered in the air.
I’ll cut to the chase.
“You can’t compare your 8 mile bicycle ride to what you could do BC,” she said. BC meaning “Before Cancer.”
“Just put that out of your mind. You are having to find a new normal. It’s like Goldilocks. Not too much, not too little. You’re looking for that middle ground that is just right, that you can sustain and build on. It’s going to be an upward trajectory. But comparing anything to BC, well that’s just going to mess with your mind.”
And the lung tightness, coughing, feeling cold-ish? “We’ll watch it,” she said, “but you’ve got a couple of things going on now– asthma [from riding 8 miles in an ozone alert DUH], some allergies.”
“Remember,” she added. “We’re consolidating now. And you’re doing really well. You’re doing fine.”
Consolidation therapy:
Cancer treatment given after induction therapy to consolidate the gains obtained, further reduce the number of cancer cells and enhance the likelihood of a durable complete remission. Often just called consolidation. The overall sequence of therapy may be induction, consolidation, and maintenance therapy.
Ok, Goldilocks! You are an amazing person, being able to blog through all of this. I'm impressed and in awe.
No awe, please. As your Anne knows, sometimes writing is the best coping mechanism….